A recent article in "Today's Christian Woman" magazine was recently referred to me by my wife. The title of the article: No More Christian Nice Guy. The article was an interview of Paul Coughlin, author, Christian radio talk-show host and married father of three. He is the author of the book "No More Christian Nice Guy" and the website www.ChristianNiceGuy.com.
Here's a link to the whole article... http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/002/13.38.html
So, immediately I'm thinking that it cannot be a good sign if my wife is referring me to this article. After reading a few paragraphs, I realize why she referred it to me. I will share some excerpts of the article below along with my comments... Be ready to be challenged if you think of yourself as a "nice" guy and a "good" Christian.
So what's wrong with being nice?
If by "nice" you mean a person who's gentle and patient, then there's nothing wrong with that. Those attributes are fruits of the Spirit. But oftentimes when someone is described as a "nice" guy, it's not as it appears. Nice people are often passive; they're hiding behind that "niceness."... [Nice guys often] go with the flow - not because they agree with you, but because they're afraid of conflict.
But as followers of Christ, we're supposed to be honest with others. We're supposed to be salt and light to those who don't know Jesus (Matthew 5:13-16). It's difficult to be salt and light when you think you've got to be aggreeable all the time.
My comments: Recently, a pastor from our church asked a group of us a question... Are you a truth-teller or a grace-giver? He went on to explain that most of us tend to fall in one category or the other most of the time - even when the situation dictates the opposite. Jesus had the perfect balance. He knew exactly when to give grace and when to speak truth into a situation. As a sidenote... most often times He was giving grace to the undesirables and speaking truth to the religious leaders and His followers.
If nice is bad, what's the better alternative?
Being a Good Guy. A Good Guy is willing to enter into a conflict to be a redemptive force for good. He has a strong will. He takes chances on occasion. He's protective of those in his care. He stands up for injustice. Where a Nice Guy is pretty emotionless, a Good Guy is passionate about life. His way of living looks a lot more like the "abundant life" Jesus talks about in John 10:10.
My comments: Do you tend to let your boss, your neighbor, your coworker, or your spouse take advantage of you? Do you say no when you feel pressure to say yes? Do you share your real feelings with your spouse when she asks you your opinion?
This is just an excerpt, but based on this article, I would encourage guys that feel like this speaks to them to consider reading the book. By the way, the article does conclude by suggesting that this passivity can be for women as well.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
The Sliver and the Log
A recent article on www.ChristianityToday.com:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/bcl/areas/leadership/articles/053106.html
The following excerpts are from this article written by Blaine Allen originally taken from When People Throw Stones. I have added my own comments as well.
In Blaine's article, he discusses the result of unjustified criticism and how to respond. What I realized for myself as a result of this article was that there are many times when I am the one giving the unjustified criticism. Or even criticism that is justified but still not the right thing to do. These types of opportunities are all over the place. What I am beginning to realize is that I can always criticize someone as long as I don't have to walk in their shoes. There is no one on the face of this planet that can do their job perfectly - or be the perfect husband, father, mother, wife, employee, boss, President, Senator or whatever.
So, when you feel tempted to criticize... Stop and think. Put on gentleness and kindness. When you receive criticism - be meek and gentle as well. This is the character of Christ and the fruit of the Spirit that we as Christians are called to live out.
Here are some excerpts:
Unjustified, off-the-wall criticism—how do you cope?
Let's look for a code of conduct that will help us when called to serve another with words.
[With] Meekness and Gentleness [of course]
He was at it again. A leader in the church where I was pastor—let's call him "Frank"—was running me down before others. Of course I heard about it on the grapevine. (Don't we all.) I could live with the fact that Frank didn't like my sermons. After speaking, I sometimes didn't like my sermons. I could even live with the fact that he mocked them. But then to tell others that I had attempted to sabotage a rather significant ministry when I was the one who had spent untold hours initiating and mobilizing that ministry, encouraging those who served in it; to hear that I was reckless with my expense account, that I had already personally eaten double the amount allotted to me; to hear that I had never met with him to talk about his concerns when I had spent hours over the years doing just that. I heard it on the grapevine, and when I checked those grapes out, I found that Frank really had said these things—and then some. He had really turned missionary about me.
I decided to confront Frank head on. He lied. By my public identification with the Lord whom I loved, he insulted him. He poisoned others against me. He made me look like a charlatan. That was it. No more.
"Either you cut it out, or I will nail your hide to the wall at the next board meeting. We will find out who's really been telling it like it is and who's telling it like it's not. We will find out who's lying."
That was the plan… pounded out on my pillow.
I'm glad I came to my senses and read how Paul handled his "Franks" in 2 Corinthians 10. There he lays out the spiritual parameters to any "take a stand" response: "By the meekness and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you." Paul could have argued his entire case with the very same words against his critics, without the "meekness and gentleness of Christ"—and grieved the heart of God.
Meekness.
When my son Brian was in his single digits in age, I tussled with him on the floor and pinned him every time. But leave him black and blue with broken bones? Of course not. Power available is not power applied. To prevent harm I practiced restraint. That's meekness. Though power to do much harm is available—through information, money, position, knowledge, contacts—it's curbed. You could ruin your critic—it's all within your grasp—and you don't.
Meekness waves a yellow flag and warns you to get out of the search-and-destroy mode. Two millennia ago, our Lord could have blown away His pharisaical critics forever simply with a thought. Boom! But though the capacity was there, the will was not. Paul said to his critics concerning his authority, "[It is] for building you up rather than pulling you down" (2 Cor. 10:8).
Meekness cannot jerk another down. It is a short leash on vengeful desire. It is the safety lock on the automatic of bitter words. With meekness, you and I can take the heat of any situation and not torch our detractors into crispy critics. We practice restraint.
Gentleness.
Quoting Isaiah 42:1–4, Matthew wrote of Christ, "He will not quarrel or cry out; no one will hear his voice in the streets. A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory" (Matt. 12:19–20). That's gentleness: a sensitivity salved with mercy. When the time comes for "take a stand words," words that very likely will hurt, gentleness shrinks the potential pain as much as possible. Meekness is restraint: our words don't blow the critic away; gentleness is release: our words are spoken with sensitivity. The first handles the negative, the second handles the positive. Neither keeps us from saying what needs to be said; they keep us from saying too much.
Of course, some critics see meekness and gentleness as personal frailty. But unhealthy Christians and unbelievers cannot appreciate qualities that characterize spiritual maturity (see 1 Cor. 2:11-3:9).
They look for what the world looks for: winning with clout. Not so for us, if we want to grow in our Lord. He values meekness and gentleness as parameters for any rationale for our behavior.
How do you feel toward your critic at this moment? Do you want to hurt him? Would you like to leave her broken and bent in shame? Or do you want to build your critic spiritually, hurting only as it is absolutely necessary? Would outsiders say that your proposed defense is gracious, or would they sense vindictiveness?
Probing questions like these deserve honest answers before any defense is made. We must "by the meekness and gentleness of Christ" appeal to our critics.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/bcl/areas/leadership/articles/053106.html
The following excerpts are from this article written by Blaine Allen originally taken from When People Throw Stones. I have added my own comments as well.
In Blaine's article, he discusses the result of unjustified criticism and how to respond. What I realized for myself as a result of this article was that there are many times when I am the one giving the unjustified criticism. Or even criticism that is justified but still not the right thing to do. These types of opportunities are all over the place. What I am beginning to realize is that I can always criticize someone as long as I don't have to walk in their shoes. There is no one on the face of this planet that can do their job perfectly - or be the perfect husband, father, mother, wife, employee, boss, President, Senator or whatever.
So, when you feel tempted to criticize... Stop and think. Put on gentleness and kindness. When you receive criticism - be meek and gentle as well. This is the character of Christ and the fruit of the Spirit that we as Christians are called to live out.
Here are some excerpts:
Unjustified, off-the-wall criticism—how do you cope?
Let's look for a code of conduct that will help us when called to serve another with words.
[With] Meekness and Gentleness [of course]
He was at it again. A leader in the church where I was pastor—let's call him "Frank"—was running me down before others. Of course I heard about it on the grapevine. (Don't we all.) I could live with the fact that Frank didn't like my sermons. After speaking, I sometimes didn't like my sermons. I could even live with the fact that he mocked them. But then to tell others that I had attempted to sabotage a rather significant ministry when I was the one who had spent untold hours initiating and mobilizing that ministry, encouraging those who served in it; to hear that I was reckless with my expense account, that I had already personally eaten double the amount allotted to me; to hear that I had never met with him to talk about his concerns when I had spent hours over the years doing just that. I heard it on the grapevine, and when I checked those grapes out, I found that Frank really had said these things—and then some. He had really turned missionary about me.
I decided to confront Frank head on. He lied. By my public identification with the Lord whom I loved, he insulted him. He poisoned others against me. He made me look like a charlatan. That was it. No more.
"Either you cut it out, or I will nail your hide to the wall at the next board meeting. We will find out who's really been telling it like it is and who's telling it like it's not. We will find out who's lying."
That was the plan… pounded out on my pillow.
I'm glad I came to my senses and read how Paul handled his "Franks" in 2 Corinthians 10. There he lays out the spiritual parameters to any "take a stand" response: "By the meekness and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you." Paul could have argued his entire case with the very same words against his critics, without the "meekness and gentleness of Christ"—and grieved the heart of God.
Meekness.
When my son Brian was in his single digits in age, I tussled with him on the floor and pinned him every time. But leave him black and blue with broken bones? Of course not. Power available is not power applied. To prevent harm I practiced restraint. That's meekness. Though power to do much harm is available—through information, money, position, knowledge, contacts—it's curbed. You could ruin your critic—it's all within your grasp—and you don't.
Meekness waves a yellow flag and warns you to get out of the search-and-destroy mode. Two millennia ago, our Lord could have blown away His pharisaical critics forever simply with a thought. Boom! But though the capacity was there, the will was not. Paul said to his critics concerning his authority, "[It is] for building you up rather than pulling you down" (2 Cor. 10:8).
Meekness cannot jerk another down. It is a short leash on vengeful desire. It is the safety lock on the automatic of bitter words. With meekness, you and I can take the heat of any situation and not torch our detractors into crispy critics. We practice restraint.
Gentleness.
Quoting Isaiah 42:1–4, Matthew wrote of Christ, "He will not quarrel or cry out; no one will hear his voice in the streets. A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory" (Matt. 12:19–20). That's gentleness: a sensitivity salved with mercy. When the time comes for "take a stand words," words that very likely will hurt, gentleness shrinks the potential pain as much as possible. Meekness is restraint: our words don't blow the critic away; gentleness is release: our words are spoken with sensitivity. The first handles the negative, the second handles the positive. Neither keeps us from saying what needs to be said; they keep us from saying too much.
Of course, some critics see meekness and gentleness as personal frailty. But unhealthy Christians and unbelievers cannot appreciate qualities that characterize spiritual maturity (see 1 Cor. 2:11-3:9).
They look for what the world looks for: winning with clout. Not so for us, if we want to grow in our Lord. He values meekness and gentleness as parameters for any rationale for our behavior.
How do you feel toward your critic at this moment? Do you want to hurt him? Would you like to leave her broken and bent in shame? Or do you want to build your critic spiritually, hurting only as it is absolutely necessary? Would outsiders say that your proposed defense is gracious, or would they sense vindictiveness?
Probing questions like these deserve honest answers before any defense is made. We must "by the meekness and gentleness of Christ" appeal to our critics.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Running Yourself and Your Family Ragged?
An article by BGC President, Jerry Sheveland based on Ephesians 5:15-20
"15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." - NIV
http://www.bgcworld.org/mag/0606bgc/89.pdf
Following are excerpts from the article in addition to some of my own commentary... I would encourage you to go to the link above to read the whole article, it is phenominal!
Kissing the Rat Race Goodbye
Three important questions from Ephesians 5 point us toward a saner way to live.
1 - Do you know what you really want?
Have you ever sat down to think about what your personal values are? Do the values that you live out match up with those that you might put down on paper? Do they line up with God's values?
Sherm Swenson's values as stated in the article: "Always put God first in all you do, including your business. Begin each day in God's Word and apply what you read and learn to your life. Expect great things of God. Never forget that it's better to have one person working with you than three people working for you. Always, always place more value on people than on products or programs. Always give God first pick of your profit. Be committed to integrity and honesty. Pursue excellence in all you do. Never, never forget to thank those responsible for making it happen."
Now, those are some values that I would love to live out!
2 - Do you know the season you're in?
"Are you in a season of mothering preschoolers? For education? For pursuing career goals? For deepening relationships? For pursuing God's mission?" We tend to fill up our calendars with the busyness of life - kids activities, work, taking care of the house, golf, shopping, etc. Do you ever hear yourself saying to people: "We need to get together, it's been forever since we've connected."
Jerry shares the story of Gladys Engfield who is in her 80's. "When her husband passed away, she said, “I felt lost. Then came a moment when I realized I’ve got a world of choices and opportunities in front of me. I wonder what God wants me to seize?” Before she gets up, she puts her calendar on one side of her bed, God’s Word on her lap and the blank page of her journal on the other side. As she studies the Scripture, she lifts her calendar to the Lord and says, “Look, these are the appointments I’ve got.” Then she holds up the empty sheet and says, “But your appointments for me are more important.” Gladys knows what time it is." Do you?
3 - Are you driving under the influence?
Is God in control of your schedule? Are you flexible enough to adjust your schedule if God wants you to? I remember the story from Henry Blackaby about a group of college students who were trying to start a Bible Study group on their college campus. They put up fliers and promoted it every way they could think of by nothing came out of it. They decided to pray and ask God to open up doors and promised that they would answer the call however He directed. One day, one of the girls on her way to class was approached by another girl. Even though she knew she would miss her class, she felt God prompting her to go speak with this girl. It turns out that this girl and some friends who had no background in church had started a Bible study but needed someone to help them understand what they were reading! Would you be flexible with your schedule if God was prompting you to be?
"15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." - NIV
http://www.bgcworld.org/mag/0606bgc/89.pdf
Following are excerpts from the article in addition to some of my own commentary... I would encourage you to go to the link above to read the whole article, it is phenominal!
Kissing the Rat Race Goodbye
Three important questions from Ephesians 5 point us toward a saner way to live.
1 - Do you know what you really want?
Have you ever sat down to think about what your personal values are? Do the values that you live out match up with those that you might put down on paper? Do they line up with God's values?
Sherm Swenson's values as stated in the article: "Always put God first in all you do, including your business. Begin each day in God's Word and apply what you read and learn to your life. Expect great things of God. Never forget that it's better to have one person working with you than three people working for you. Always, always place more value on people than on products or programs. Always give God first pick of your profit. Be committed to integrity and honesty. Pursue excellence in all you do. Never, never forget to thank those responsible for making it happen."
Now, those are some values that I would love to live out!
2 - Do you know the season you're in?
"Are you in a season of mothering preschoolers? For education? For pursuing career goals? For deepening relationships? For pursuing God's mission?" We tend to fill up our calendars with the busyness of life - kids activities, work, taking care of the house, golf, shopping, etc. Do you ever hear yourself saying to people: "We need to get together, it's been forever since we've connected."
Jerry shares the story of Gladys Engfield who is in her 80's. "When her husband passed away, she said, “I felt lost. Then came a moment when I realized I’ve got a world of choices and opportunities in front of me. I wonder what God wants me to seize?” Before she gets up, she puts her calendar on one side of her bed, God’s Word on her lap and the blank page of her journal on the other side. As she studies the Scripture, she lifts her calendar to the Lord and says, “Look, these are the appointments I’ve got.” Then she holds up the empty sheet and says, “But your appointments for me are more important.” Gladys knows what time it is." Do you?
3 - Are you driving under the influence?
Is God in control of your schedule? Are you flexible enough to adjust your schedule if God wants you to? I remember the story from Henry Blackaby about a group of college students who were trying to start a Bible Study group on their college campus. They put up fliers and promoted it every way they could think of by nothing came out of it. They decided to pray and ask God to open up doors and promised that they would answer the call however He directed. One day, one of the girls on her way to class was approached by another girl. Even though she knew she would miss her class, she felt God prompting her to go speak with this girl. It turns out that this girl and some friends who had no background in church had started a Bible study but needed someone to help them understand what they were reading! Would you be flexible with your schedule if God was prompting you to be?
Are You Good Enough? Give Yourself (and others) a Little Grace...
A recent article in the BGC World written by Kay Swatkowski spoke about how we tend to lavish unrealistic expectations on ourselves in relation to our parenting. Specifically, she spoke of a time when she remembers promising to herself and her new baby that she would be the perfect parent and the child would have the perfect childhood:
"I will play dollies with you. I will push the swing. I will read to you every book that’s ever been written. I will do your homework with you. I will bake brownies. And I will never be cranky. I will never lose my temper. And I will never be impatient."
As she goes on to explain, these expectations are unrealistic and unattainable. She quotes Gary Thomas from his book, "Sacred Parenting, where he said: "I was expecting my parents to loe me the way onlyGod could love me. And I was expecting to love my children the way only God could love them."
As Kay says: "We are not God. We need to adjust our expectations."
Even though this does apply to our parenting. I believe this applies also to our lives in all of our roles: husband/wife, employee, and serving in church. Not only that, but it applies to those around us: our kids, our spouses, our employees, our bosses, our fellow Christians, our neighbors, etc. No one is perfect. We must let God be God and adjust our expectations by incorporating grace where criticism once ruled the day.
"I will play dollies with you. I will push the swing. I will read to you every book that’s ever been written. I will do your homework with you. I will bake brownies. And I will never be cranky. I will never lose my temper. And I will never be impatient."
As she goes on to explain, these expectations are unrealistic and unattainable. She quotes Gary Thomas from his book, "Sacred Parenting, where he said: "I was expecting my parents to loe me the way onlyGod could love me. And I was expecting to love my children the way only God could love them."
As Kay says: "We are not God. We need to adjust our expectations."
Even though this does apply to our parenting. I believe this applies also to our lives in all of our roles: husband/wife, employee, and serving in church. Not only that, but it applies to those around us: our kids, our spouses, our employees, our bosses, our fellow Christians, our neighbors, etc. No one is perfect. We must let God be God and adjust our expectations by incorporating grace where criticism once ruled the day.
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